Many families experience the loss of a loved one. This can be difficult for everyone, especially children. Many parents are not sure how to deal with this issue with their children.
As a pediatrician, I have worked with many families navigating this emotionally charged situation. And the American Academy of Pediatrics recently issued some guidelines for supporting the grieving child and family.
While children are generally resilient in terms of immediate effects, there can be lingering effects that last for an extended period. Parents and extended family should use language that is developmentally appropriate, culturally appropriate and faith appropriate for the children and the family.
I would emphasize two guiding principles: listening and being present.
It is so important to be open to listening to your children. They might say things that don’t make sense (since they do not know how to process all of their emotions or the emotions of others), but please let them express themselves.
And when they are talking (or not talking), it is important for you to be present. Being present means that you are paying attention to them, cell phone down, TV off and engaged when having a conversation. Being present means that you recognize potential lingering effects and are willing to address them in a sensitive manner.
Some additional things to consider include:
1. Be willing to discuss the situation with an open mind and heart.
The ability to share in the grief or anguish is so important for the child to know that they are not alone.
2. Anticipate that there might be some guilt or shame.
For reasons that we don’t understand, children might feel that they had something to do with the recent death. They might feel that something that they did or didn’t do possibly contributed.
3. Anticipate changes in family dynamics.
Everyone will deal with grief in different ways and certain family members will be affected more deeply than others.
4. Sibling dynamics will often change.
As the children deal with emotional issues differently, minor daily stresses might lead to emotional flare-ups, especially those that seem to be out of nowhere. Make sure that the lines of communication are always open.
5. When necessary, seek professional assistance.
Feel free to discuss these issues with your pediatrician. If they are concerned, professional counseling might be of great benefit.
6. Just because the child (or children) seem to be ok doesn’t mean that everything is fine.
Be open to asking questions that might give you a window into their thoughts and emotions. You are not putting thoughts into their head when you do that. You are showing empathy and nurturing in a proactive way.
7. Recognize that you and your spouse are under stress also.
Be sure to practice self-care during these difficult times. Seek support and assistance as needed.
It is estimated that 1 in 20 children will suffer from the death of a parent by age 16, and of course, many will lose other close relatives. It is incumbent upon all of us to be prepared for these difficult times. We should never be dismissive of the emotions of our children. Listen and be present and let them understand that you support them as the family deals with this situation together.
Dr. Bob Saul is a Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health. This article was originally published on his website, mychildrenschildren.com.
