If you’re a caregiver, you’re likely familiar with parental guilt. It usually boils down to feeling not good enough as a parent.
Recently, the Children’s Trust Parent Advisory Council tackled this topic and how to deal with it when you’re in the trenches.
“We struggle to spread our time for everyone,” said council member Shawn Jackson. “Especially when all the kids are involved in different things and going in different directions. Add expectations of serving in the church, trying to be a good spouse, etc. It gets really tough, and you feel like you can never do enough.”
Knowing how emotional the holidays can be, especially with the economic pressures and time constraints of Christmas and picture-perfect families on our social feeds, these wise South Carolina caregivers shared advice and reminders that can help us have a mentally healthy holiday season and year-round.
Group moderator Leesa Nelson, parent engagement coordinator at Children’s Trust, made the critical distinction between internal shame and guilt. While often intertwined, guilt arises when a person feels they have done something wrong and is tied to a specific behavior or action. It usually serves as a motivator to make amends or improve. In contrast, internalized shame is a more profound feeling of being fundamentally flawed or inadequate, independent of specific actions. While guilt focuses on “what I did,” shame centers on “who I am,” which can erode self-esteem and hinder personal growth. Recognizing this distinction can help parents redirect self-critical thoughts and embrace grace in their parenting journey.
Here is their guidance for navigating those doubt-filled feelings that creep in during the holidays:
- Embrace grace and self-compassion. You can only do your best with what you have, and rest easy knowing that is enough. Acknowledge that your best efforts may vary daily. If you are a single parent, the holidays can be incredibly challenging.
- Remember, your kids are young and not always the most mature people in your life. Their guilt trips can be powerful, especially those teenage tantrums, and they know exactly how to get under your skin.
- Accept that you may need to adjust your parenting strategies as your children grow. What worked last year may not work this year. Some parents may also have to balance parenting older and younger children. Be mindful when you need to shift.
- Avoid overcommitting and find value in the downtime. It is so very easy during the holidays to pack our calendars.
- Finding your village is so important. “You need those supports to walk alongside you, share in the experiences, commiserate in the hard moments, and help when needed,” said council member Emily Parrish.
- Celebrate small victories and communicate often with your children. Readily share with them what you expect before an event or heading into a store. Praise them when they meet your expectations. Find something positive, no matter how small, to acknowledge.
- Focus on growth, learning and being present for your kids. With all the holiday hubbub, it is very easy to get caught up in shopping, cleaning, cooking and all the errands and lose track of the fact that you have this opportunity to spend the holidays together.
The group closed the discussion with the reminder that it is okay to feel guilty—parental guilt, spousal guilt, personal guilt, whatever you want to call it. That stuff is so real; sometimes, it is just tough to navigate. There is a refrain in a song from Cardi B song, Tomorrow 2 (edited) that reminds us, “Every day the sun won’t shine, but that’s why I love tomorrow.”
Interested in more advice for parents, by parents? Check out “Parent Perspective: Tips to Manage Your Family’s Stress.”
Children’s Trust of South Carolina’s Parent Advisory Council meets to offer their perspective and wisdom on parenting topics once a month with SC Parents.
