I have a dear friend who, along with dear friends of hers, has started a podcast about being an empty-nester. At first, I started listening to the podcast because I loved hearing my friend Danielle’s fabulous Midwestern accent. However, I stayed because it has helped me settle into and be thoughtful about this next phase of parenting and my life—the empty nest.
My husband and I have two kids in college—one senior and one freshman—both out of state and a long way from our home in Columbia, South Carolina. They could not be more different; I am so proud of them. And like all parents, I worry about them – constantly, but this is not an article about parenting kids off at college. I want to offer nine pieces of encouragement for all the parents counting down the milestones (last first day of school, last holiday season, last Spring Break, and so on) and staring into the abyss of a potentially empty house.
1. Pick your battles.
A mom mentor once told me that teenagers are terrible because God is preparing you to let them go. Stretching their wings and testing their boundaries is normal behavior. While I am not recommending that you remove all the guardrails, you will find yourself trying to determine which are most important and your non-negotiables.
2. Close the kitchen and open the cereal box.
When my first child left for college, going to the grocery store was surprisingly emotional, especially since I love to cook. I was very sad not to stock up on pasta or fix her favorite after-school snack, and now that the second is out of the nest, I don’t even have to cook. There is a lot of joy when my husband and I decide to have cereal for dinner.
3. Cleaning can be cathartic.
The piles of unsorted laundry, school papers, messy notebooks, half-eaten sandwiches and broken pencils have a way of taking over bedrooms, laundry rooms and more. These artifacts have a way of multiplying and becoming flash points for you and your kids. Save the fight and once they are gone cleaning out, sorting and tossing can be a physical manifestation of regaining some control. Don’t be too quick to redecorate, though. Give them a year to return to their familiar and comforting home base.
4. Let them struggle, flail and fail.
As parents, we want to swoop in and make things better, but our young adults need to practice fixing things and coping with hiccups. Step back from helping them solve daily problems—lost school IDs, forgotten lunches, speeding tickets and the like—and let them endure the consequences. Help them build confidence in knowing they can handle things.
5. Celebrate the launch and let go of the guilt.
You have raised them to fly, and flying is what they need to do. Parenting is never perfect, and you have done your best job. Mark the milestones and embrace closing a chapter. There is a lot of pride and self-satisfaction in seeing them launch—whatever launch may look like—college, technical school or just a job. You don’t want them living at home forever.
6. Brace yourself for the emotion – and not just theirs.
It is hard, really hard, to feel like your babies no longer need you like they once did. Some of the most emotional conflicts I have had with my children were rooted in letting – or not letting – go. There will be times when you just need to let the tears flow, and it may be in the Target bathroom in Boulder, Colorado.
7. Invest in your other relationships.
Your spouse, friends, and family will be essential pillars that will help you refill when you feel empty. You will need your people, so keep those relationships healthy. Be intentional about date nights, going for coffee, and taking a walk to stay caught up.
8. Redirect your nurturing energy.
You don’t have to quit caregiving cold turkey. Think about how you can redirect and continue to give. Perhaps you have parents who need more help or younger kids still at home. You now have time to fix a meal for a sick friend or volunteer with an organization. If relationships and caring for others bring you joy, don’t stop!
9. Rediscover you and embrace making your world bigger.
We spend 18 (or more!) years attached at the hip to our little humans, sharing our time and sometimes the best of ourselves. Take this newfound time to read, dive into a hobby, explore your community, or return to school to learn a new skill.
