Many parents face daunting transitions at this time of year. Some send their first child off to preschool or first grade. Others wave goodbye to their high schoolers, who are now driving themselves to school, and find themselves no longer responsible for carpool duty. And some parents delivered their kids to college, returning home to the realities of an empty (or emptier) nest.
These big, “oh my” moments can make the hardiest of parents weak in the knees and cause a little soul searching. Parenting transforms us in ways both beautiful and complicated. At a recent panel discussion, the Children’s Trust Parent Advisory Council members reflected on these transitions around the theme, “Who was I before children?” Their thoughts were honest, funny and deeply human.
Shifting Independence
Many parents described how their independence shifts as their children grow. Tamell called it a “therapy session” to admit how much of her life was on hold. But as her kids got older, she reclaimed space for herself. “Their independence grows with ours,” she said. Ruth-Naomi echoed this, explaining how her son watched her complete one degree after another—bachelor’s, master’s, and now working toward a doctorate. By investing in herself, she showed him what’s possible.
Growing Up Alongside Our Kids
For Anthony and Shawn, fatherhood came early—and with it, a crash course in growing up. Both men said they always wanted to be dads, but the reality was far more demanding than expected. Anthony compared it to driving a car: you can’t just set it and let go; you have to keep steering. Shawn, who became a father at 19, never had a chance to explore adulthood without kids. Still, he credits his children with inspiring him to push harder, earning his bachelor’s degree.
Finding Yourself While Raising a Child
Shelina became a mom at just 14. “I’ve been a mom longer than I haven’t been,” she reflected. Her story highlighted both loss and resilience: friends who drifted away and dreams postponed with a fierce determination to help others succeed. Her advice to younger parents was clear. “Remember who you are. Don’t lose yourself. Don’t forget who you are.”
Emily, on the other hand, being a “mom” defined her entire identity for many years. Now, with a teenager and an eight-year-old, she wonders, “Who am I outside of parenting? Pottery class? Walking the dog? It’s a journey of rediscovery.”
Life Lessons and Grounding Forces
Children’s Trust supports and convenes a panel of 12 parents who offer their experiences as parents and caregivers.
Camille admitted she didn’t always like who she was before becoming a parent, but motherhood gave her purpose and drive. She juggled nursing school with a baby on her hip, determined to become “the parent I needed growing up.” Friendships, she noted, were her grounding force. Iona, who spread her education out over years, shared similar wisdom: “Don’t lose your dreams, and enjoy every moment and every phase.”
Reflections from the Circle
Throughout the conversation, a few truths kept resurfacing:
- Kids can transform us for the better, but we must also remember ourselves.
- Independence evolves as children grow; parents can rediscover aspects of their identity in new ways.
- Comparison, especially through social media, is a thief of joy.
- Moments pass quickly. Being present matters more than striving for perfection.
One panelist summed it up simply: “Our kids have us in real life.” Perhaps that’s the heart of it. Who we were before children matters—but who we become alongside them may be the most important story we tell.
