As a pediatrician and a father, I am often in a quandary. What do I tell the parents of my patients when they ask for parenting advice? The questions get even more sticky when I consider whether the advice differs for the mother and father.
Their experiences differ—mothers undergo labor and childbirth, and a whole host of physical and mental changes from conception to their child’s infancy. Our society has somewhat arbitrarily assigned different roles to parents based on gender. The traditional roles of breadwinner and homemaker can be very different in today’s world based on education, employment and family circumstances.
Overall, I think that the role of parent in large part should be not gender based—what mom does vs. what dad does—but based on the needs of the child.
The most important “function” of parenting is to provide for safe, stable, nurturing relationships (SSNRs) that develop resilience in the future and for flourishing well into adulthood. These SSNRs are the hallmark of not just parenting but a society that values its children and their future.
In the spirit of Father’s Day, I want to offer some “dad-specific” advice, but before I do, let’s review just a few more parental basics I believe parents of any gender should prioritize.
Have Patience.
Every parent has certain expectations about how things will go and about the behavior of their children. The reality is that the only constant in parenting is change. Things will always change, and the results are often unexpected or unintended. We might be very disappointed in these results. We might not like the results and be ready to assign some blame. We need to be patient, accept disappointment and move on in a nurturing manner.
We must remember that our love for our children is unconditional. We might not like the behavior. We might even intensely dislike the behavior. But we never intensely dislike or even “hate” the child.
Exhibiting patience, taking that deep breath, allows for a resetting of our expectations and a calm assessment of what happened and the path forward.
Be a Good Role Model.
I cannot emphasize this enough. Whenever we think that our children are not observing us and learning from us, we have lost touch from reality. Almost every behavior from children is a learned response to the actions of others.
In the same way, children see and learn how we respond to others and how we treat others. How many times have we heard about adults doing things because their parents taught them how to treat others? Our actions are critical to the learning environment that our children grow up in.
Being that good role model sets the stage for the resilience and flourishing we seek for our children in adulthood.
Be a Parent and a Friend.
I often hear that we cannot be both a parent and a friend to our children. I reject this argument strongly.
Yes, there are times that we need to be lovingly firm about certain behaviors or actions and deal with consequences and accountability in a manner that makes our intent clear. But please, do not confuse consequences with physical punishment. Nurturing our children does not require physical punishment or undue fear.
When not dealing with inappropriate behavior, we want our relationship with our children to be friendship-based: caring, empathetic, open to communication, reciprocal. We want our children to not be intimidated by us. We want to remain approachable and open to their concerns.
Granted, the line between parent and friend can sometimes be a fine one but being able to do both is so important to the child. We want them to see us as their friend who had their best interests in mind when we were also their parent.
Dad-Specific Advice
The three “dad-specific” items below are really not gender-specific but rather a reflection of my years of experience in counseling parents. I have seen so many fathers deal with these issues that I highlight them to emphasize that dads can do so much more than just what society expects of a man.
Be Vulnerable.
Being vulnerable is defined as “capable of or susceptible to being wounded, hurt…or open to moral attack, criticism or temptation.” At first blush, the trait of vulnerability would appear to be a moral failing or weakness. And this is definitely not considered a masculine trait in our society.
I would argue to the contrary. I think vulnerability is a positive trait, a trait that allows us to accept our humanity and to accept the humanity of others. When one is vulnerable, they accept that they are not intrinsically better than someone else. They accept that others are not inferior to them. They accept that their failings are similar, if not identical at times, to those of their fellow citizens. They accept that they can be wrong or at least not as right as they were initially convinced that they were.
When we accept that we can be wrong or “less positive” that we think we are (after appropriate reflection), we realize that we have to be vulnerable and be willing to admit mistakes in ourselves and accept similar mistakes in others.
Practice Forgiveness.
Without forgiveness, we cannot resolve conflicts. Without forgiveness, we are unable to move on in life. Without forgiveness, we are in a cycle of always being the victim and convinced that we are always right.
To not be the victim and to realize that we are not always right requires our acceptance of vulnerability. Being vulnerable when practicing forgiveness is a strength and one to accept as a strength when dealing when others.
I applaud the strength of vulnerability and forgiveness, acknowledge their power, and encourage others to do the same. It makes us strong. Resolving conflicts is one of the key skills of parenting and to be passed on to our children.
Be Present, Attentive, Attuned and Responsive.
I realize that this appears to be four things, but I consider them to be one crucial tool in our parenting journey. Discussed at length by Dr. Bruce Perry’s book, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, he emphasizes that a parent needs to be present—engaged, not looking at the TV, not on the phone, not on the computer; be attentive—looking at the child and emotionally ready to handle the issues at hand; be attuned—on the emotional “wavelength” that the child requires; and respond as needed—not simply nodding but actively listening with empathy.
In my experience, dads are less adept at this four-part skill than moms. Dads need to actively work on this four-part skill to make a difference.
The parental basics mentioned above, along with the “dad-specific” items, go a long way to make sure that our children are provided safe, stable, nurturing relationships throughout their life. Growing as a father requires constant attention and work. But the rewards can be so gratifying.
If you are a dad on this path, I applaud you. May you continue to be celebrated.
Dr. Bob Saul is a professor of pediatrics (emeritus) at Prisma Health in Greenville, South Carolina, and a former pediatrician who has been there for over 40 years. You can visit his website at mychildrenschildren.com.
