The holidays at the end of the year – Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s, among others – are very exciting for children. School will be out for an extended period, and there will be extra time at home to play. Families will gather and share time together, carrying on traditions that have occurred over the years.
At first blush, when one considers the question about what children need most around the holidays, I think we all tend to concentrate on thinking about gifts at Christmas. We always consider toy drives for children who might receive fewer gifts than others or receive gifts that are less specific and worthwhile for their needs. This year is particularly hard, given the effects of the government shutdown and multiple uncertainties; gifts might be a secondary consideration.
I contend that the needs of children are far greater year-round and accentuated at the end of each year. Let’s review these needs and consider ways to fulfill them.
1. Safe, stable, nurturing relationships (SSNRs)
The evidence is clear that the most important thing for children is to be embraced and “swaddled” in relationships that are safe. Let’s break this down.
- Safe means a safe environment with a safe diet, safe education, safe health care.
- Stable means an unwavering in our efforts to protect our children.
- Nurturing means understanding the developmental needs of children at all ages and supplying those needs.
- Relationships are active interactions with loving, caring adults recognizing their responsibilities to care for and provide for their children.
The whole concept of SSNRs is perhaps not novel or new, but it does bring to a fine point what children need and what our parental and societal duties for our children are. SSNRs should be the most important charge for all of us every day, but sometimes we do not do as well as we should. Incomplete SSNRs are more obvious at the end of the year, and children are more likely to feel left out if we don’t concentrate on these needs.
So what can we do? We should always be attentive to the needs of our children that go beyond material things that our society tends to concentrate on. It is perhaps too obvious to make this statement, but without our persistent awareness of these needs, children are too often regarded as second-class citizens. We need to remember to be present, attentive, attuned and responsive as the nurturing adults to our children. This is not spoiling our children!
For infants and toddlers, that means paying attention to their emotional state and anticipating their needs. They can get easily overwhelmed with the noise and hubbub of the season. For older children, that means being attuned to their needs also, but their needs can be less defined. They can easily get lost in all the holiday to-dos; save activities to make sure that they don’t feel left out.
Caring for our children is never spoiling them. Effective discipline – corrective measures taken in a loving, instructive way – is still possible at the same time as SSNRs are the rule. As a matter of fact, both of those things should be coupled at all times, especially around the holidays.
2. Recognize Unique Needs
Every child (and family) has unique circumstances around the holidays. Family harmony is all too often complicated or disrupted by death, illness, divorce, environmental hazards, poverty and more. While we celebrate these holidays, we need to be mindful that everyone does not share the same experience. It can be hard to put ourselves in the shoes of others (exhibiting empathy), but the holidays call precisely for that. Only then can we embody the joys and spirits of the holidays.
We need to be ready to fill in gaps, to ask questions and to change course to provide for our children and families. Empathy means going beyond a simple statement like “I understand” to a more powerful question like, “How are you? Is there anything I can do to help?” Let’s anticipate the need for support and be ready to help others.
3. Spread the joy
This time of the year, I think we tend to assume that everyone shares in the joy that accompanies the holidays. Well, people can be reliving painful experiences at this time of year, and those experiences are accentuated when everyone around them is celebrating. Depression and other mental illnesses might be overlooked when we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Be mindful of the emotional needs of others in our families, our neighborhoods and our schools. Many families are struggling to meet their basic needs, which can take a toll on every aspect of a person’s life.
One powerful thing you can do in the midst of it all is smile. A smile is contagious and tells others that you are glad to see them and that they are worthwhile. Don’t let it be an “empty” smile, though. Express genuine emotion in words and deeds to accompany the smile. Be vulnerable enough to let others express their feelings, so that you can share their emotions. Those verbal and non-verbal moments of connection can be so meaningful.
4. Gifts
Of course, children anticipate gifts at this time of year. This tradition is solidly set in our culture. Children often make Christmas lists, hoping for that favorite toy or gift. Many children receive fewer gifts than others, so we need to consider ways to help those families.
Be mindful of the number of gifts and types of gifts. Not all gifts need to be the latest tech device, the latest fashion or the newest toy. In a family, be sure to eliminate any appearance of playing favorites between children. Gifts might have to be explained or come with conditions that are sensible. For example, “You are getting this iPad, but there will be rules for use, like so many hours a day, and we will monitor your content.” Encourage children to understand the privilege of receiving gifts and to be grateful for this privilege.
5. Untraditional Gifts
Organizations in your community that provide for others in need depend on financial support and assistance, especially during this time of year.
If you’re able, consider giving financial support or volunteering in their activities. This is a great opportunity to demonstrate to your children how we can support each other by helping others. Make it a family affair with everyone chipping in to help in some way. This type of activity models the role of being a good citizen, caring for others and caring about others.
If you need help, consider ways you can ask for that, as well. You and your family deserve to have your needs met.
6. Faith
Families of faith are particularly tied to the holidays. While the holidays can be enjoyed by all, those of faith find the need to be mindful of their faith. The religious traditions this time of year tend to ground us and remind us of our shared humanity, and that our lives are a blessing from a higher being.
Hold firm to your faith, its teachings and its traditions. Remember that love, grace and mercy should be our guides going forward as we seek to comfort our children, our families, our neighbors and our communities.
The list above is a real good start for what children need at holiday time. Being present, attentive, attuned and responsive are major steps to attending to the needs of children. Let’s be sure to look into the needs of others, look around for ways to help and understand the privilege of giving and receiving gifts. It should always be a two-way street. And some of the most meaningful gifts are not material gifts. They are the gifts of love and friendship and understanding.
Happy Holidays!
Dr. Bob Saul is a professor of pediatrics (emeritus) at Prisma Health in Greenville, South Carolina, and a former pediatrician who has been there for over 40 years. You can visit his website at mychildrenschildren.com.
