The very wise members of the Children’s Trust Parent Advisory Committee discussed advice on handling conflict in family and friends circles. This was part 2 of their discussion on how to build your village.
Suppose you’ve ever been part of a close-knit community—your family, friend group, or an actual village —you know that conflict is inevitable. But just because a conflict happens doesn’t mean your village has to fall apart. The key? Handling it with grace, humor, and just enough boundaries to keep everyone sane.
Why is handling conflict important? Big props to Camille, who shared that bottling up your feelings is like shaking a soda can. At first, everything looks fine. You’re holding it together. Then someone asks, “Are you okay?” — and boom. Emotional explosion. There’s crying, confusion, someone’s sticky — it’s a whole scene.
Step 1: Acknowledge That Conflict Will Occur
First, you will not always get along with everyone in your village. Your best friend might forget your birthday, your neighbor might borrow your rake and never return it, and your cousin might make that comment at Thanksgiving again. It happens. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict entirely—it’s to handle it in a way that doesn’t leave a trail of emotional wreckage behind.
Step 2: Take a Breath or Two (or Ten) Before A Hasty and Dramatic Response
When someone upsets you, your first instinct might be to draft a strongly worded text or give them the silent treatment, especially when you are so very righteous in your indignation. But as Alice wisely shared, show grace. Before assuming the worst, consider some alternatives: Are they mad at you or just busy with life? Did they mean to be hurtful, or was it a misunderstanding? (And let’s be honest—sometimes people are just clueless, not cruel.)
Step 3: Address the Issue Head-On (Or At Least Sideways)
As Camille offered, don’t let things fester like an old soda can ready to explode. If something’s bothering you, talk about it. That doesn’t mean you need to stage an intervention over brunch, but a simple “Hey, that hurt my feelings” can go a long way. Most people aren’t mind readers, so clear communication is key.
Step 4: Know Your Own Conflict Style
Several group members admitted to being conflict-averse—which is a polite way of saying, “I’d rather pretend this problem doesn’t exist.” If that’s you, permit yourself to take a moment to process before engaging. But don’t ghost your village entirely. Taking time to cool off is fine; disappearing for months and then wondering why no one checked in on you is less fine.
Step 5: Set Guilt-Free Boundaries
Shelina shared that sometimes, the most challenging part of the conflict is enforcing boundaries, especially with family. If you’re the “baby” of the family, people may struggle to take you seriously. But guess what? You can say no. You can decide what’s best for you and your kids. And if your boundaries cause a little tension? That’s okay, especially if it helps you preserve peace and sanity.
Step 6: Give People Roles in Your Village
Not everyone in your village serves the same purpose, and that’s okay. As Ciera pointed out, some people are there for emotional support, while others are better at handling logistics. Your mom might not be the best person for deep talks, but she’s excellent at meal planning. Your best friend might not be a kid person, but they’re your go-to for career advice. Assigning roles helps manage expectations and reduces conflict.
Step 7: Embrace Change and Seasons
Not every village member is meant to be in your life forever. Some relationships last for a season, and that’s not bad. People come and go, and that doesn’t erase the value they had in your life. If someone drifts away, letting them go with love instead of resentment is okay.
Final Thoughts: Keep the Village Strong
A strong village isn’t one without conflict—it’s one where conflict is handled with respect, communication and a little humor. So take a deep breath, set your boundaries, give grace where needed, and remember: if all else fails, there’s always coffee and a good vent session to get you through.
