One of the hardest aspects of parenting is staying calm when our kids are not.
On behalf of all parents who can relate, we turned to Dr. Bob Saul, a Professor of Pediatrics (Emeritus) at Prisma Health in Greenville, South Carolina. He offers some practical guidance based on his more than 40 years as a pediatrician.
Dr. Bob: Parents often tell us they struggle to manage their emotions, especially when their kids are stressed. So many parents want to try and do better but still really struggle in the moment to stay connected to themselves and their kids. What is your advice as to how to learn to relax and respond more calmly to issues with our kids?
Answer: Parenting is tough work. Even when in a calm state, it is easy to get upset about certain things. When under stress, it is very easy to get aggravated and say things you later regret or do things that are not entirely reversible. The fact that so many parenting books have been written speaks to the problems that we all face.
One cardinal principle in parenting – a dysregulated parent cannot regulate a child. By regulation, I mean the ability to be present, attentive, attuned and responsive to the needs of the child.
When a child is under stress, any stress, they are likely to engage in some behavior that parents do not like. They might be withdrawn and quiet and not listening, or they might be overwrought and loud. They might be “too manageable” or not manageable. In either of these states, parents will typically demand change and expect change.
What Your Child Needs When They’re Stressed
With this stress, the child is dysregulated and needs a parent or caregiver to provide a safe, stable, nurturing relationship.
The parent needs to be present—meaning engaged, not looking at the TV, not on the phone, not on the computer; they need to be attentive—meaning looking at the child and emotionally ready to handle the issues at hand; they need to be attuned—meaning on the emotional “wavelength” that the child requires; they need to respond as needed—not simply nodding but actively listening with empathy.
These techniques can help the parent help the child regulate, meaning respond to the stress in a way that will help them through the stress and help build resilience in the future.
One of the easiest things to say but hard to do is to tell someone that they need to calm down and not get upset. Obviously, parents might understand this, but multiple factors can affect this, like family circumstances, work circumstances, past parenting examples and emotional circumstances.
Try This Practice When Your Child Is Upset
When confronted with a difficult situation with a child, I recommend that parents consider a three-fold approach: Pause, assess and choose.
- Pause, take that deep breath and try to avoid a knee-jerk reaction.
- Assess the situation and calculate a measured action that is present, attentive, attuned and responsive.
- Choose to react in a way that communicates love and nurturing.
This latter approach does not accept inappropriate behavior but deals with it in a nurturing way that allows a regulated parent to help a dysregulated child handle stress.
If you’d like a deeper dive, I recommend two books that can be quite helpful as you work to find a consistent, helpful way to parent: My book, Conscious Parenting: Using the Parental Awareness Threshold, and What Happened to You: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing, by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey.
Important Things to Remember
I want to be clear about two things: Do not yell at your children, and do not hit your children. Both of those techniques not only do not work in the long run, but they also have been shown to cause long-lasting harm. Fear is not an effective strategy. You might dislike a child’s behavior, but never dislike your children. Do not say you hate them when you are really just upset with their behavior.
When in doubt, the answer for our children who need our help is always more love. Love helps parents get regulated, and love conveys the right messages as parents and children work together on the road to adulthood.
Dr. Bob Saul is a professor of pediatrics (emeritus) at Prisma Health in Greenville, South Carolina, and a former pediatrician who has been there for over 40 years. You can visit his website at mychildrenschildren.com.
