As summer begins, many parents are anticipating changing custody and visitation schedules. As a child and family therapist, I know firsthand how challenging and stressful co-parenting during the summer can be for families.
So I have compiled resources, tips and tricks, mixed with my own professional opinion, to help guide this summer’s co-parenting adventures. Here’s what I recommend.
1. Take Your Child’s Perspective into Account.
Because my job is to be a safe space for the children I work with, often the most important thing I wish parents would do related to co-parenting is ask the child what they feel and want. Because a lot of the custody arrangements are out of the child’s hands, kids can feel completely powerless and frustrated by having to switch homes.
While you may not be able to change the legal agreement, asking the child about small changes could be helpful. For example, asking the child if they would like to switch houses on Friday afternoon or Saturday morning, or whether they feel more comfortable with a parent picking them up from school or meeting somewhere in the community to switch homes.
Giving kids small moments of autonomy can mean everything to them and make a huge difference in the parent-child relationship. Asking these questions to your child with your co-parent could also show the child that you are a “united front” and want to include them in the decisions.
If you want to explore more, I recommend this blog post by Heidi Dinning, who writes about what she wishes her parents had known about co-parenting when she was a child. Her tips include: “Stay away from the sh*it talk;” don’t talk about finances in front of the children; focus on collaborative and flexible scheduling; have healthy and open communication; and eliminate the “middleman.” Reading a blog like this could help you understand a child’s perspective in ways that they may not have the words to explain.
2. Communicate Clearly and Respectfully with Your Co–parent.
Do your best to regulate your emotions and communicate your needs clearly and respectfully with your co-parent. It is extremely important.
Communicating effectively with your co-parent in front of your child can also be extremely helpful in modeling ways to regulate emotions and communicate needs for your kiddo. So, not only can it help you resolve conflict with your co-parent, but also you can teach your child healthy social and emotional skills in the process!
If you have a particularly difficult co-parenting situation, this app could be helpful in communicating your schedule, needs, decisions, expectations or challenges. The Our Family Wizard app is created specifically for communicating between co-parents, and you can even call within the app to stay connected to your child while you are apart. It also includes a color-coded calendar and messaging so that your child’s schedule can be in one synced location between both parents.
Having tools for communication like this can also help model for the child that even when communication is difficult, there are always ways to make it work.
3. Understand the Legality of Your Custody Agreement.
If you have a formal custody agreement through the court system, it is vital to understand what exactly is laid out in the agreement and what your rights are.
The South Carolina Bar offers various resources for you to understand the legality of your custody in South Carolina. The website includes Title 63, South Carolina Children’s Code, which is the official legal document dictating the rights of children and parents in custody agreements and co-parenting in South Carolina.
If you are in a custody “battle” with a co-parent or are about to go to court for the first time, the Parenting Plan form could be helpful in understanding your rights and effectively laying out the plan for co-parenting moving forward. It includes things like the custody schedule (school year, summer, holidays, birthdays), sharing of major decisions (medical, school, etc.), and restrictions for certain parents.
4. Keep Routine and Transitions Consistent and Predictable.
Kids need routine to function well, understand their environment and learn to regulate their emotions. Without routine and consistent parenting, children can become emotional, argumentative or act out.
Particularly, if children have experienced significant trauma and/or are neurodivergent (autistic, ADHD), they will likely struggle even more without routine and predictable parenting. This is due to the fact that creating a consistent, predictable environment helps all human beings function better and be able to regulate their emotions. For example, think about how dysregulating it would be to have different expectations every single day you showed up to work!
In addition, creating routine for children is different than controlling every part of your child’s day. Routine consists of helping the child understand clear expectations and even creating a visual schedule for them, rather than forcing them to do things they don’t want to do or exerting extreme control. You can even create a visual schedule with them, so they feel like part of the process and in control of their own routine! I have also created an example of a visual schedule you may want to try for neurodivergent kids specifically.
During the summer, many kids spend more time at home since they’re not attending school. Therefore, it is vital that you keep their routine and transitions consistent and predictable. Children often do well with a visual schedule, especially if they are neurodivergent or have mental health struggles.
This blog includes many different free printable visual schedules to help with co-parenting. The Our Family Wizard app also has a virtual way to have a visual schedule with your co-parent.
If you are able to coordinate with your co-parent to have the same (or very similar) visual schedules at both homes, that should minimize your child’s behavioral concerns and emotional reactivity related to routine and transitions between homes.
5. Discuss Expectations and Rules at Both Homes Regularly.
Lastly, discussing expectations and rules at both homes is imperative, especially over the summer. If children do not know, understand or have consistency of expectations and rules, they will not be able to follow them.
This idea seems obvious, but in my line of work, I often have parents who come to me feeling frustrated that their children act out and do not follow rules. However, after talking to the parents and child, it is often clear that the child does not know, understand or have clear rules at home, let alone in both co-parents’ homes. If a child has drastically different rules at one parent’s house than the other, it’s no wonder they are unable to follow rules and expectations clearly.
The Cooperative Parenting Institute includes a checklist of things to consider when you are co-parenting children together, including a list of what household expectations to discuss with your co-parent.
In addition to this broad co-parenting checklist, I have created a checklist specifically of rules, values and expectations you may want to discuss with your co-parent leading into summer. This list can be helpful during the entire school year but may be particularly necessary during the summer when schedules are different, kids’ routines are already off, and they may be spending more time at home. I have included a page with examples as well as a blank page you may use to fill out with your co-parent.
What if my relationship with my Co-Parent is not amenable?
While many people can figure out how to co-parent cordially, others have a more difficult time, often due to mental health or substance use issues. If you are in a situation where working together with your co-parent is not achievable, here are some things you may want to consider that could help.
In the worst-case scenario, if you suspect your co-parent is being abusive or neglectful towards your child, you should call South Carolina Department of Social Services (SCDSS) immediately to ensure that your child is safe.
You can also look into getting free legal representation from SC Legal Services if you are a victim of domestic violence and need help with custody, restraining orders or other services. Having a very thorough and clear court order can help navigate the custody of your child as well as the difficult conversations with an abusive or difficult ex-partner. Legal representation will be able to help guide this process, since it is often overwhelming and intimidating.
One of the most important aspects of parenting is self-care. When single parenting, and especially when dealing with a difficult co-parent, finding people in your own life who you can trust and who can provide support can be lifesaving. Consider finding a therapist for yourself, joining a support group for single parents or parents in similar situations, or even joining support groups online that can provide support to you while navigating parenting with a difficult co-parent.
Finding a therapist can often be daunting for people, so I have curated this list of therapists in South Carolina from Psychology Today who specialize in parenting, domestic abuse and divorce.
While co-parenting can be difficult and stressful at times, learning how to do it with effective emotion regulation, communication skills, and consistent routines and transitions for your children can make it infinitely more manageable. It can also be one of the most powerful ways to model good relationship skills for your kiddos.
If you’re up for it, try some of these tools this upcoming summer and see if they make a difference in your child’s mood and behaviors!
Teal Russeau is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in North Carolina. Teal currently works as a school-based therapist for children and families ages 5-18 in Brevard, North Carolina.
